For the vast majority of human history, love just wan't a prerequisite for marriage. Interestingly enough, divorce was also very rare. In most of the world today, both of those things have changed. Part of the reason for the low divorce rates was the different level of expectations. In the past, being safe, fed, and maybe respected at least as a human was all on really could expect. Love and happiness was a bonus.
Today however, love or at least warm fuzzy feelings are often the ONLY prerequisite for marriage. And we have roughly half of all marriages ending in divorce. Why is that? In part, when dating, we have a tendency to put our best foot forward. We don't let slip those parts of our character that we think might send our intended running in the other direction. It's almost as if we are interviewing for a job. But, nobody can keep everything hidden forever. And it's just not snoring that is an issue, it's how we get along with other people that matters. There are three general areas of each person's makeup that influence how they relate to others. Every couple of every faith (or none) would be helped greatly by either figuring out how they can be compatible or that they really can't. Let's face it, nobody wants to get their heart and wallet yanked out by a divorce. So, it only makes sense that we prepare beforehand to avoid trouble. The first area is how we relate to the general public. Are you a loner or do you need people? Will you insist on either being out with friends or bringing them home while your spouse cringes and craves for quiet? How many friends do you need to have? Do you engage strangers in public or do you need to pretend the world isn't there? The next area has to do with decision making and independence. We often see couples that seem intertwined. You can't tell where one person begins and the other ends. In some couples, one person is happy to let the other one make all the decisions. With other couples they drive around and around because neither one wants to decide where they will eat dinner. Some people can work independently for hours on end while others need input frequently. And some people need money in the checking account while others don't care. The last area is loving relationships. Some people love when the kids are piled on top of them with hugs and kisses. Others love their kids but think to themselves, "OK, I wish you'd get off of me." These differences find their way into the bedroom which of course can cause much grief and trouble. In each of these areas people differ. And people think they can accept the differences. But, in truth, an expert can often help uncover the areas that are most likely to cause trouble and help to establish techniques, tools, and compromises for happy healthy marriages. At GIFT we have the tools to find the differences and we have experience at helping to minimize trouble. We've helped couples before and during marriage to make sure peace exists at home. Call or email for more information.
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AuthorRev. Matthew Hogan is a Certified Temperament Pastoral Counselor, Licensed Pastoral Counselor and is a Professional Clinical Member of the National Christian Counselors Association Archives
March 2021
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