I've been sitting on this topic for months. I wasn't sure how to address the topic and I wasn't sure where to address it. When Rarely do I consider myself an expert on anything truly important. And I know that I don't have a huge audience, so although the pressure is low, there also isn't any compelling evidence that I will change the world by saying anything. But recently, the inspiration and determination came that I had to say something. So I beg of you, please read through this and consider what I have to say. We can make a difference together. We MUST make a difference, for I believe there is one single significant problem facing our country today. I want to start with a memory. Decades ago, when I had more hormones than sense, I was approached by a beautiful woman. She was stunning. She was gorgeous and sophisticated in ways that set her apart from any of the other ladies I watched and admired. She approached me with her beautiful smile full of perfect teeth and asked me a question. When she asked me, it sped my heart and respiration rate to a point I have always suspected was visible. She asked, "Do you want to take me to dinner?" Somehow, in short order, a powerful image popped into my head. I saw her big athletic boyfriend. Not only was he big enough to be frightening, I liked him. I was able to quickly turn her down cold. But what surprised me more even more than her question was her response. She said, "You're just turning me down because I'm black! You're RACIST!" For a beautiful creature that I thought liked me as a person to say something so vile and with venom nearly tangible took me aback. I see these discussions as often as I'm willing to read the internet. I am a white, male, conservative, Christian home owner. If I believed the internet, I wouldn't be able to be in the same room with myself. After all, if I believed what I read, I would know that I was a chauvinistic, bigoted, hate filled man bent on putting down the poor. If I believed what I read, I would know that I hate gays, blacks, Mexicans, unwed mothers, and probably burn crosses on lawns in my spare time. Am I being facetious? Only very little. Part of the problem in this, a time when anyone can get anything they want out to the world at large, is our use of facts. I think many of us have lost track of what a fact really is. I've long been suspicious of anyone that purports to have the whole truth about any situation. And yet, it seems that lately most people that have something to say imply that their perspectives are not perspectives, but truth. This is even true of white, male, conservative, Christian home owners too. I'm certainly not saying that any angle or perspective is represented by purity. No, we are guilty as a society. We are guilty whether we speak carelessly or simply don't speak at all. Every time we point out all the angry white cops or violent young black men, we do a disservice to both good cops and innocent blacks. Every time we point out the Christians that don't care about the poor or those that defraud the charities and welfare like programs we do a disservice to both caring Christians and struggling poor. The pattern here is easy to see. We think we are fulfilling some righteous duty when we point out how "they" are all evil but really all we do is make it that much harder to solve anything. We will never even come to the truth of fatal police involved shootings let alone solve them as long as we are standing against one another. We will never solve the problems of people dying because they can't afford health care until we put all our brains to the problem and listen to each other. We will never see all people feel welcome in this world as long as we focus on people and not the problems. Marriages are vulnerable to the same dangers that have befallen the rest of our culture. In counseling married couples, we see people that once loved each other at each other's throats. Like in any of the societal battles that we see, the wife starts to speak and the husband is sure that he knows what's coming next. So, he cuts her off and launches into his own argument. She stops him sure that he's only going to blame her anyway. And so it goes. Even if one of them was actually going to try to do or say the right thing, the effort is lost in the "knowledge" of what the other person thinks and has to say. It all seems so hopeless. But it isn't hopeless at all. One of the first things I do in counseling one of these married couples is find common ground. The more hurt and pain permeates the marriage, the longer I have to look for that common ground and the harder I have to work to get both parties to accept an agreement. But, if I had to, I would get them to agree that it was wonderful that they taught their children knew how to tie their shoes. I would find something, anything to use as a starting point. The vast majority of Americans are not really part of the problem, whatever problem we are referring to at the moment. The vast majority of Americans today don't really hate anyone. We MUST find common ground. We MUST choose not to take the bait. We MUST ask each other, "What is the real problem you are unhappy about?" We MUST change the dialogue. If we do this we CAN change our country and solve any problem that comes our way. We CAN do this. We MUST.
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AuthorRev. Matthew Hogan is a Certified Temperament Pastoral Counselor, Licensed Pastoral Counselor and is a Professional Clinical Member of the National Christian Counselors Association Archives
March 2021
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