For the vast majority of human history, love just wan't a prerequisite for marriage. Interestingly enough, divorce was also very rare. In most of the world today, both of those things have changed. Part of the reason for the low divorce rates was the different level of expectations. In the past, being safe, fed, and maybe respected at least as a human was all on really could expect. Love and happiness was a bonus.
Today however, love or at least warm fuzzy feelings are often the ONLY prerequisite for marriage. And we have roughly half of all marriages ending in divorce. Why is that? In part, when dating, we have a tendency to put our best foot forward. We don't let slip those parts of our character that we think might send our intended running in the other direction. It's almost as if we are interviewing for a job. But, nobody can keep everything hidden forever. And it's just not snoring that is an issue, it's how we get along with other people that matters. There are three general areas of each person's makeup that influence how they relate to others. Every couple of every faith (or none) would be helped greatly by either figuring out how they can be compatible or that they really can't. Let's face it, nobody wants to get their heart and wallet yanked out by a divorce. So, it only makes sense that we prepare beforehand to avoid trouble. The first area is how we relate to the general public. Are you a loner or do you need people? Will you insist on either being out with friends or bringing them home while your spouse cringes and craves for quiet? How many friends do you need to have? Do you engage strangers in public or do you need to pretend the world isn't there? The next area has to do with decision making and independence. We often see couples that seem intertwined. You can't tell where one person begins and the other ends. In some couples, one person is happy to let the other one make all the decisions. With other couples they drive around and around because neither one wants to decide where they will eat dinner. Some people can work independently for hours on end while others need input frequently. And some people need money in the checking account while others don't care. The last area is loving relationships. Some people love when the kids are piled on top of them with hugs and kisses. Others love their kids but think to themselves, "OK, I wish you'd get off of me." These differences find their way into the bedroom which of course can cause much grief and trouble. In each of these areas people differ. And people think they can accept the differences. But, in truth, an expert can often help uncover the areas that are most likely to cause trouble and help to establish techniques, tools, and compromises for happy healthy marriages. At GIFT we have the tools to find the differences and we have experience at helping to minimize trouble. We've helped couples before and during marriage to make sure peace exists at home. Call or email for more information.
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Most people never think about counseling or selecting a counselor until they are already in crisis. Unfortunately, this is not an ideal time to be trying to make good decisions about something as important as a counselor. So, to make the process a little easier, here are some questions to help make an informed decision.
What should you expect to pay? One of the first things to come up in the selection of a counselor for many people is cost. Some medical insurance policies will either pay for counseling services or at least reimburse the insured. It's important to know what the terms and restrictions are. But pushing the question of insurance aside, let's consider the cost of counseling. Common rates are anywhere from $80 to $120 per session. Number of people in the session and testing done may affect the cost. Of course there are those that charge more or less. However the old adage, you get what you pay for does not necessarily apply here. Especially with faith based counselors, they may be offering their services because they feel that to be their calling not their job. Free counseling is however the exception not the rule. Don't give up hope just because your wallet is empty! If you are ready to seek counseling but the cost is a deal breaker, there might be some hope. A number of counselors and counseling offices have what is called a sliding scale. What this means is that they have a base rate that they may even advertise. But, they will reduce that rate according to the income of the client. To take advantage of a sliding scale system, you will probably need to fill out a form and provide some sort of income verification. Who should you trust? There are a variety of counseling strategies and tools out there. But just like doctors and lawyers, counselors have oversight. To legally charge for counseling services, a counselor must either be licensed through their state or be a minister. State Licensing We won't talk much about state licensing here as each state has their own rules and guidelines. Suffice it to say that you can certainly ask to see a counselor's license if you have any questions. Faith Based Counseling Ministers may also offer counseling services, either as part of another ministry, like a church, or as a separate ministry. But what is a minister? To be a minister, one must be sanctioned through a faith body. Words like ordained, commissioned, or licensed minister all can be used. Like the state licensing, there should be some sort of official certificate from the faith body that you can ask to see. Beyond being a minister, many faith based counselors also pursue some additional sort of licensing. This extra licensing would typically indicate that the counselor has met the approval of the licensing body and the license would be renewed periodically. This extra licensing should tell you that the counselor has specialized training and that they meet the approval of a licensing board. What is the methodology? This question has a much more complicated answer. There are many different methodologies or schools of thought out there. The average counseling client isn't going to learn about them all. But there are some things you can ask. What's the expected duration of counseling? Admittedly this is a loaded question. Every individual is different and the course of counseling will vary according to the problems of the client and compliance with the counselor's suggestions among other things. But you want to know if the counselor expects most people to complete counseling in a matter of weeks or a matter of years. What's the success rate? A success rate is defined by solving the problem in the client's life to a degree that future treatment is not required. Just like the question above, the client, the issues at hand, and the compliance of the client all play a part in this. But the average success rate for a methodology can range anywhere from 50% all the way up to 95%. Do you, the client, have a faith system. Nobody can miss the headlines today about the battles between people of faith and the world. Counseling is no different. Each state has their own rules about what a counselor can and can not say or do. In some states, a state licensed counselor can not pray with the client or make moral statements even if the counselor and client share a common faith. So, for example, you can have a counselor who is also a Christian, or you can have a Christian counselor. For many clients, this does matter. Even if you are not a person of faith, it might be good to know that the counselor is. If you are considering a faith based counselor but are not a person of faith, you can ask the counselor how they handle that. Many will respect your stand even if their counsel comes from a faith background. How does GIFT answer these questions? At GIFT, our goal and purpose is to help people. Because of that, we want to make counseling as affordable as possible. So, we have a reasonable base rate AND a sliding scale. To find out your rate, we need to know your income. Please talk to us if you are concerned about an ability to pay and let us see if we can't work something out. Reverend Matthew Hogan is a Licensed Pastoral Counselor and member of the National Christian Counselors Association. At GIFT, because our goal is to help, we don't want to keep you coming to counseling any longer than YOU need. Typically, our first review is at or around six weeks, meeting once weekly. In studies, our methodology had a 95% success rate. Rev. Hogan is a Christian Counselor. This means that all his advice and counsel is based on Biblical teachings. However, he will discuss with you any concerns you might have regarding your personal beliefs. Please use the "Contact Us" link to start a discussion. Most of us at some point in our lives will need a little help with day to day tasks. And most of us will at some point in our lives find ourselves helping a loved one with day to day tasks.
What happens when that "some point" goes from a short term event to something longer and more involved? That's when you move from helping for a little while into becoming a caregiver. There are professional caregivers and admittedly they are very special people. But for the sake of this discussion, we're talking about family members that have been thrust, usually unexpectedly, into the roll. We might care for a child with birth defects, a spouse who's been in an accident, or maybe an aging and ill parent. Whatever the details, there are usually some common issues for caregivers. Nurse or family member? - As a family member we are separate people. Each of us has our own roles, jobs, and places in the family. We are close, but we have autonomy. But when something goes awry, there is a new kind of normal. Depending of the severity of the illness or disability, the autonomy goes away. In some cases, a spouse finds themselves permanently on bathroom duty. Sometimes, either the caregiver or their dad ends up with a cold dinner because dad can't feed himself. And in yet other cases, a parent is watches as all their friends become empty-nesters while they still change diapers. The caregiver has to find a way to love as a family member while learning and developing all the techniques required to play nurse. Those who care for a spouse or parent must protect dignity through respect. Very often this means also doing the jobs that the spouse would have normally done. The result is very often a confused and hurting individual that feels an overwhelming burden of responsibility. Who's important anyway? - One thing that many caregivers deal with is being unsure about how they fit in the picture. This is just made worse by the things people say. "Oh your poor child, that's so sad." "You're such an amazing husband helping with her cancer treatments." Both of these statements although while true just add to the confusion for the caregiver. The problem? Each statement completely ignores one person in the equation. The caregiver knows that no matter how good a spouse they are, at least they aren't in pain constantly. How can they be the important one? The caregiver has to find their own self-image all the while keeping the needs of their loved one in focus. The caregiver also must understand their own worth with or without their loved one. This is critical, especially when the needs of the loved one get in the way of the caregiver's wants, needs, or plans. Why do I feel guilty? - A common problem for caregivers is a feeling of guilt. The constant juggle, and often battle, between the needs of another and the needs of one's self frequently brings feelings of guilt. The caregiver has to allow themselves to exist at the same time as the person they are caring for. This may take practice as for many people it doesn't come naturally. Finding Hope - At GIFT, we are very sensitive to the struggles of caregivers. We can help you find yourself and figure out how to take care of you while taking care of your loved one. We can help you to banish those misplaced feelings of guilt. If you are caring for someone you love and finding it difficult to know what or how to feel, or if you are plagued with feelings of guilt, please contact us. We can help. |
AuthorRev. Matthew Hogan is a Certified Temperament Pastoral Counselor, Licensed Pastoral Counselor and is a Professional Clinical Member of the National Christian Counselors Association Archives
March 2021
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