Most of us at some point in our lives will need a little help with day to day tasks. And most of us will at some point in our lives find ourselves helping a loved one with day to day tasks.
What happens when that "some point" goes from a short term event to something longer and more involved? That's when you move from helping for a little while into becoming a caregiver. There are professional caregivers and admittedly they are very special people. But for the sake of this discussion, we're talking about family members that have been thrust, usually unexpectedly, into the roll. We might care for a child with birth defects, a spouse who's been in an accident, or maybe an aging and ill parent. Whatever the details, there are usually some common issues for caregivers. Nurse or family member? - As a family member we are separate people. Each of us has our own roles, jobs, and places in the family. We are close, but we have autonomy. But when something goes awry, there is a new kind of normal. Depending of the severity of the illness or disability, the autonomy goes away. In some cases, a spouse finds themselves permanently on bathroom duty. Sometimes, either the caregiver or their dad ends up with a cold dinner because dad can't feed himself. And in yet other cases, a parent is watches as all their friends become empty-nesters while they still change diapers. The caregiver has to find a way to love as a family member while learning and developing all the techniques required to play nurse. Those who care for a spouse or parent must protect dignity through respect. Very often this means also doing the jobs that the spouse would have normally done. The result is very often a confused and hurting individual that feels an overwhelming burden of responsibility. Who's important anyway? - One thing that many caregivers deal with is being unsure about how they fit in the picture. This is just made worse by the things people say. "Oh your poor child, that's so sad." "You're such an amazing husband helping with her cancer treatments." Both of these statements although while true just add to the confusion for the caregiver. The problem? Each statement completely ignores one person in the equation. The caregiver knows that no matter how good a spouse they are, at least they aren't in pain constantly. How can they be the important one? The caregiver has to find their own self-image all the while keeping the needs of their loved one in focus. The caregiver also must understand their own worth with or without their loved one. This is critical, especially when the needs of the loved one get in the way of the caregiver's wants, needs, or plans. Why do I feel guilty? - A common problem for caregivers is a feeling of guilt. The constant juggle, and often battle, between the needs of another and the needs of one's self frequently brings feelings of guilt. The caregiver has to allow themselves to exist at the same time as the person they are caring for. This may take practice as for many people it doesn't come naturally. Finding Hope - At GIFT, we are very sensitive to the struggles of caregivers. We can help you find yourself and figure out how to take care of you while taking care of your loved one. We can help you to banish those misplaced feelings of guilt. If you are caring for someone you love and finding it difficult to know what or how to feel, or if you are plagued with feelings of guilt, please contact us. We can help.
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AuthorRev. Matthew Hogan is a Certified Temperament Pastoral Counselor, Licensed Pastoral Counselor and is a Professional Clinical Member of the National Christian Counselors Association Archives
March 2021
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