For nearly two decades I worked troubleshooting and repairing industrial machines. The last dozen of those years I taught others how to troubleshoot effectively. I used humanizing terms to talk about a machine. I said, "Its brain," "It thinks," "It wants." This helped the technicians have a better understanding of something intimidating and strange.
Now that I am working as a counselor, I am taking some of those lessons I taught and using them to teach people how to make their relationships work better. One problem that we have as people is that we get a thought in our heads and we clutter up the truth with it. In a factory, this can cost at least a few minutes of lost production or in one case I saw, nearly 15 years of reduced production! When I solved that problem, several people were very embarrassed, but the factory just counted it as gained production and in the end everyone was happy. In a marriage though, the effects of the same misunderstandings can be fatal. So, what is the starting point? What is the one question that will clear much of the fog? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? That's it, it's that simple. It really is simple. But like the factory I helped, the longer we struggle with misunderstandings, the higher the likelihood that we will need professional help getting out of the fog. Any time we are hurt or offended by our spouse, the natural reaction is to think the hurt was deliberate or that they don't care, etc. But those are assumptions. Ask the question. What do you KNOW? If you keep asking the question, the eventual answer should be something like, "I don't know why she did that but I KNOW that she loves me." Once you break it down to what you KNOW, you'll find it easier to get to the heart of any misunderstanding. Of course, GIFT can help. If you and your spouse are finding it so difficult to communicate and believe in each other that you don't know if you'll ever find the answer, then it's time to ask for help. We can help get you back on track with each other and help you develop the tools to grow stronger.
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AuthorRev. Matthew Hogan is a Certified Temperament Pastoral Counselor, Licensed Pastoral Counselor and is a Professional Clinical Member of the National Christian Counselors Association Archives
March 2021
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